Oh Hey! Welcome back!
Last weekend I did something and i’ve decided to write about it because why the hell not!! I competed in a powerlifting competition that was on at my gym/second home! It was terrifying yet fun and it helped me realise some things about myself.
About 4 years ago I had a hate-hate relationship with my body. I spent so much time trying to lose weight and change everything about myself because i hated it. After losing 30kgs I felt healthy but i still hated my body. Not only did I hate my body but i hated my Inner self as well, I hated my social awkwardness and my anxiety. It’s taken me years to deal with that and it’s still a work in progress but this weekend I realised just how far i have come.
Powerlifting in general is a very Mental sport. A lot of the time you can be strong enough physically to lift 120kgs but your mental strength only lets you get to 100kgs. It’s something that I have struggled with but it is also something that has helped me with controlling my emotions and my anxiety. Over the past 5 years I have become incredible at dealing with my anxiety and I can now usually deal with it and stop an attack within a minute. On days when i feel anxious I turn to the gym to get me through. The thing about powerlifting is that when you finish training you walk out feeling so strong and empowered that nothing else can stop you.
As i got into powerlifting I started to see how incredible my body is and instead of looking in the mirror and hating the fat blob in front of me, i started to see this strong woman who could do and lift incredible things. My gym is full of supportive people and the more i went in and trained, no matter what time of day there were people there who i could say hello to and have a chat to without being completely awkward.
On the days leading up to my competition I received my “soft suit” in the mail and hyperventilated the entire way home, desperate to try it on and mentally prepare myself with the fact that i had to wear it in public. But when i got home and put it on I suddenly felt so much better because instead of seeing this fat blob, I saw strength and confidence!!
Going into competition on the day was terrifying, New things and new places usually give me anxiety and going into my first ever competition definitely fell under “new things”. The first thing i had to tackle was the weigh in. I’ve struggled mentally with the number on the scales for a very long time but this time I was fine. I gained a lot of weight since having PCOS and I was so impressed that i didn’t cry when i got on the scales, in fact… i didn’t care at all. The next challenge came when i had to ditch my pants and start warming up in my soft suit, turns out that was okay as well, I felt fine and i was confident walking around and warming up in it.
Then came Squats. The most mentally challenging for me out of the three lifts and I was first up. Once i had my suit properly pulled up over my tee shirt I could feel myself getting anxious and when they called my name i think my heart was close to pounding out of my chest.
I went out to the stage, trying to stop my anxiety and also trying to concentrate on my routine i had created for squatting. It wasn’t until after my first squat that i realised something. My lift was really really easy, easier than i had ever done before and it wasn’t until my trainer said something about my adrenaline that i realised why it was so easy. For once in my life my anxiety was HELPING me.
As i continued through the day i got better and better at controlling my anxiety. Not too anxious but still that little tiny amount that would give me the push i needed and distract me from the voice in my head screaming “that’s way too heavy!!”.
Looking back at what i did on the weekend has blown my mind. If i told my 18 year old self that i wore that soft suit, in a gym, surrounded by people and then lifted on a “stage” in front of more people… 18 year old Shell would have laughed and thought I was joking. But i’m not joking, and I did do all of that and I’d do it again in a heartbeat (or ten, because y’no, your heart beats faster when you’re anxious)
If you are struggling with your body image or anxiety I hope you’ve got some ideas on how you can turn that around by reading this. Focus on the positive, Find something to be proud of and never stop trying to work your way out of your comfort zone because even if it’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done, you may just find that in the end it was worth it!
Stay beautiful Internet People!
Life as Shell 